Present Not Perfect: How Parents Can Equip Their Children to Thrive in Today’s Performance and Appearance Obsessed Culture
Here in the East Bay Area in 2024, we are bombarded with messages about how we should be. Messages like “we should be healthier, more productive, more successful” are encroaching on our lives and our families' lives.
Children and teens are especially vulnerable to these messages. Adolescence is already a confusing time, and now, with instant access to infinite information, these messages hold even more sway. If our children and teens begin to believe they must meet impossible standards to be valued as human beings, they are at risk of experiencing low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and underperformance.
The good news is parents play a crucial role in helping their kids resist these messages. The main way parents can do this is by communicating to their kids that “I love you for who you are,” directly negating society’s “You are loved for how you look and what you do.”
One way to achieve this is through verbal communication during tough conversations. Here are some tips to balance acceptance with discipline and communicate the idea that, despite mistakes, they are loved for who they are:
Start the conversation by acknowledging your child’s emotional state. For example, if your child is upset about a low grade, say something like “I see that you are upset about this. Is there anything I can do to make it not worse?” This communicates that you are approachable and willing to offer support. Also, sometimes our kids and teens don’t want us to do anything other than notice and acknowledge that the situation sucks, and that’s okay too.
Normalize mistakes as part of life. Saying something like “Things are tricky, and we all struggle sometimes” helps them understand that making mistakes is expected and doesn't reflect poorly on them.
Thank your child for being open. For example, say “I appreciate you coming to me with this; I know it couldn’t have been easy.” This increases the likelihood that they will come to you in the future. Finally, end the conversation by admiring something about your child, reinforcing that their identity is not defined by their mistakes.
If your child is not ready to talk, acknowledge that they can come to you when they are ready. “I can see that you are not ready to talk about this, but when you are, I want you to know that I am here for you.”
Addressing mistakes in your children's lives is not easy, but implementing these tips can help you stay present in these conversations, guarding your children against negative messages from society and helping them develop a solid internal identity.
Stay tuned for my next post, where I'll propose another practical way parents can help their kids stand strong against our appearance and performance-focused culture